It’s the Oil, Stupid

[[S C E N A R I O S]] * This would be downright hilarious, if it didn’t sound so frighteningly possible in this twisted world of ours. Writing in Britain’s Sunday Telegraph, an essayist who identifies himself as “Alan B’stard,” which happens to have been the name of a character in The New Statesman, a 1980s UK sitcom (and thus suggests that satire is to follow), says that, contrary to popular belief, George W. Bush is “a genius”; and that despite the numerous, throw-everything-against-the-wall-and-see-what-sticks rationales advanced by both the prez and British Prime Minister Tony Blair to justify the U.S. takeover of Iraq in 2003, there’s a simple explanation for why “it was vital to invade Iraq, and why it remains imperative for us to stay.”

In summing up, the author states:

I want to rubbish the belief that Tony and Bush-baby invaded Iraq because, as “born-again” evangelical Christians, they want to destroy the world order and bring about global chaos, thus hastening “The Rapture,” when Jesus will return and the righteous will be gathered up to Heaven.

No, they want to destroy the world order so that the world itself can be saved. You see, the present “world order” is based on the possession of oil. But it is no longer acceptable for the West to be held to ransom by a small number of regressive Middle Eastern states who have the un-deserved good fortune to find lakes of the stuff under their deserts.

As long as we, in America and Britain, produced enough oil to satisfy our domestic needs, we chose to turn a blind eye to the greed of the sheikhs, especially while they spent most of their profits buying weapons of mass destruction from us in order to massacre the pro-democratic forces within their fiefdoms.

However, with global warming presenting a massive threat to the planet, the West must gain control of all the oil, so we can use it up quickly. Then there will be no option but to switch to 100 percent nuclear power generation and so save our planet for future generations. Clever, eh?

I can exclusively reveal that this brilliant interpretation of Green politics is the brainchild of none other than President Bush himself, giving the lie to the cheap gibes that the man is an imbecile. On the contrary, he is a genius. Mad, undoubtedly, but a genius nonetheless.

That is why the Anglo-American alliance has to consider an invasion of Iran--to secure and squander their oil. I know some of you fear that to invade Iran, on the pretext of combating the nuclear aspirations of President Ahmydinnerjacket, will make it even easier for the likes of Osama bin Laden to spread their poisonous gospel (if you’ll pardon the expression). You fear that a limited surgical strike against Iran’s nuclear industry will inspire more terrorist outrages in the West.

Perhaps it will, but it’s a risk Tony and I would be prepared to take even if we didn’t have platoons of commandos providing 24/7 security for us and our families. You see, it is simply unacceptable for a nation state to develop nuclear weapons and threaten to use them to destroy another country; that’s America’s job.

George Orwell couldn’t have said it better.