Katie, Bar the Door

I can’t say that I’ve ever really disagreed with Esquire magazine’s annual “Sexiest Woman Alive” choices. I mean, why would I? Halle Berry? Charlize Theron? Scarlett Johansson? Jessica Biel? While most of us will never have a chance even to breathe in close proximity to such overt loveliness, we can certainly appreciate it from afar. And appreciate it, we do.

But Esquire may have outdone itself this year with Kate Beckinsale. C’mon. She’s top of the line. I first remember her in Pearl Harbor (2001), an otherwise not very good World War II pic that spiked for popularity every time she appeared before the camera. It was on the basis of that film that I tumbled for the romantic Serendipity (2001) and was willing to sit through the fast-moving but ultimately unrewarding Underworld (2003). This British beauty won my heart again, all curves and coos, in Martin Scorcese’s The Aviator (2004), playing Ava Gardner. I’m even willing to sit through the new, roundly panned Antarctica thriller, Whiteout, just to see Ms. Beckinsale again.

It’s hard to believe, looking at the photos in Esquire and watching the mag’s exclusive, tantalizing video of her undressing on a staircase, that this woman is a 36-year-old mother.

Women Behaving, Well, Rather Badly

Kate Beckinsale, the captivating 33-year-old English film actress whose memorable roles in Pearl Harbor (2001), Underworld (2003), and The Aviator (2004) helped to leverage her name onto “sexiest women in the world” lists (at Maxim, FHM, and Stuff magazines, to name just three), is apparently suffering from Janet Jackson-esque “wardrobe malfunctions.” The Web site EntertainmentWise reports that “journalists have been getting an eyeful lately” when they interview Beckinsale:

The actress has revealed her penchant for showing off intimate parts of her body while being grilled by pressmen.

And one particular Japanese reporter seemingly couldn’t take the show recently, according to Femalefirst.

Says Beckinsale: “A friend made me wear this top for an interview. I had one tit entirely hanging out in front of this Japanese man.”

“I think I really scared him. He was fumbling around and couldn’t get his tape recorder to work.”

Gee, imagine that ...

The British celebrity gossip Webzine Femalefirst adds that a different interviewer enjoyed an unexpected peek at this actress’ shapely posterior. “My trousers had worn through so much you could see my bottom,” Beckinsale explained later. “My [7-year-old] daughter Lily found it very funny. I was mortified!”

All I want to know is, who do I speak to about press credentials to interview the lovely Ms. B?

* * *

Meanwhile, pop singer and former Mouseketeer Britney Spears hasn’t exactly been draping herself in dignity of late. Following her announcement in November that she’d seek a divorce from her rapper husband, Kevin Federline, the 25-year-old Spears hit the dance-club circuit, overimbibed, and had the paparazzi leaping over each other to photograph her unexpectedly exposed crotch. Now, Bangshowbiz, a London entertainment news agency, reports that Spears “is commissioning a nude portrait of herself. The ‘Toxic’ singer has finally got back in shape following the birth of her second son, Jayden James, and is so proud of her figure she wants it ‘immortalized’ in a painting.” An unidentified source told Britain’s More magazine that Spears “loves the film Titanic, especially the scene where Kate Winslet’s character Rose gets painted in the nude. She wants it tastefully done, though, and is looking for the right artist to do it.”

What, she wasn’t satisfied with having herself immortalized as a pregnant woman kneeling on a bearskin rug? At least Spears doesn’t want to be depicted as the Virgin Mary.

All Our Hopes Are Pinned on You

[[F I L M]] * If it weren’t for Texan Tom DeLay’s ignoble exit from the U.S. House of Representatives, this might well have been the best news of the week: Waifish 32-year-old British actress Kate Beckinsale is reportedly being considered for the role of comic-book superhero Wonder Woman in a 2007 film being written and directed by Josh Whedon, of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame.

Reports are that Whedon is “very happy” with the opportunity to headline Beckinsale, who was probably first noticed by American audiences in the big-budget 2001 film Pearl Harbor, and has since enhanced her reputation by starring in the 2003 horror flick Underworld and (with 20 pounds of extra padding) portraying actress Ava Gardner in 2004’s The Aviator. The casting of a new Wonder Woman--a feminist character co-created by William and Elizabeth Marston for a 1941 edition of All Star Comics, and brought to the small screen by Lynda Carter in a campy 1976-1979 TV series--has been the source of speculation for months now. Also said to be in the running are Evangeline Lilly (Lost), anorexic teen sensation Lindsay Lohan (Herbie: Fully Loaded), and Buffy alumnae Sarah Michelle Gellar and Charisma Carpenter. The 35-year-old Carpenter, who many have seen as the frontrunner in this contest, told a reporter she’s willing to put off having another child, in order to nab the role of Amazon princess-turned-crimefighter. “I’m not holding my breath,” she said, “but I’m crossing my fingers and toes and praying.”

Beckinsale, though, has my vote. If she could look anywhere near as remarkable in red boots, star-studded hot pants, and a golden lasso as she did in black Spandex for Underworld and its sequel, Underworld: Evolution (2006), I might actually have to buy a ticket for Wonder Woman.

ADDENDUM: Just to get you into the mood for a return of WW, click here for the TV theme song. Boy, was that thing cheesy!